I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm glad I'm a woman, you see-I'm just not that kind.
I'm so glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see three inches of crack.
And what's on my head it doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my Dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you.
